I just don't think I can move on with my life until I get these feelings off of my chest. In short, I need to vent.
Here's my issue: This woman is ridiculously wealthy. Ridiculously. We all know this. Yet, even with what should be "the best that money can buy" she still seems to make so many missteps. Let's look at the facts.
Misstep #1: Her plastic surgeon. Tori has the most plastic looking breasts I have seen on a woman outside of a pink Mattel box. How did this happen? Her father owns Hollywood. Couldn't Daddy Aaron refer her to someone capable of not turning her chest into the equivalent of the upper half of a mannequin? After all, he found someone capable of covering up all of Alyssa Milano and Rose McGowan's tattoos on Charmed. He made Gabrielle Carteris popular for awhile. He even tamed Shannen Doherty briefly -- at two different points in modern history. He should be able to keep his daughter from play-doh boobs. Come on.
Misstep #2: Hair. It looks more crimped than casual, day-on-the-beach wave. If a passerby looks at your hair and even thinks "crimped," it's bad.
Misstep #3: What is going on with this dress? Why does it appear to have a strange, unnecessary cut-out in the back? Did Tori want to assure everyone that she was indeed wearing a bra by specifically setting it off from the rest of the dress? Is the wedding dress really just an elaborate cover-up for her swimsuit? ("We were lying on the beach in Fiji when I just tied this old thing over the front of my bathing suit and said, 'Dean, let's get married!'") And, what's with the explosion of eyelet in the front? I just don't understand. My eyes are overwhelmed. Do I look at the bow? Do I stare at the lace ruffles? Patch of exposed back skin? Tori's button nose? Wafting hair ends? It's too much. I just feel tired.
And, that was all before I saw the bottom half. Why is she encased from torso to knee and then outfitted with a rounded tuft of white? This picture clearly shows Tori dancing, but I have a hard time believing that with the style of this dress she can really move her legs in a way that is conducive to dancing or walking. In fact, I imagine much more shuffling.
Is anyone else reminded of Donna Martin's mermaid costume from the high school Halloween party where Kelly was almost date raped in her slutty witch get-up?
Anyway, all I'm saying is that I ever earn an income that lifts me into a decent tax bracket, I promise to use my money for fashion good and not evil.
